Several years ago, Willy Wonka sat down with the UK’s most distinguished chocolatiers to lay down the next big release in artisan chocolate. He tried many of their stunning and revolutionary manipulations of the finest Belgian exports, and felt rejuvenated by the abundance of creativity and potential. However, none of their singular confectionery creations quite hit the mark on its own. Here is the story of how Edible Anus Chocolates were born.
Willy Wonka: Alright, guys, I think we’re ready to select the first of the next big hits in the chocolate industry. By the way, my name is Willy Wonka. Yes, the Willy Wonka. And I gotta tell you: fellas…you have got what appears to be a dynamite grasp of the cacao bean!
Chocolatier 1: Wow. Coming from you, Willy, that means a lot.
Chocolatier 2: Yeah. I mean, you’re Willy Wonka! I can’t believe Wonka digs our chocolate!
Willy Wonka: Easy, guys…I put my pants on just like the rest of you–one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make chocolate rivers so smooth and delicious fat kids are willing to drown in them for a taste. Now let’s get to business here. Show me what you got.
Chocolatiers lay before Willy Wonka a spread of rounded truffles, salted caramel logs, nougat-centered milk chocolates with tops spun like roses, and a solid, 85% dark confection shaped like an ass.
Willy Wonka: I’ll be honest…fellas, these were tasting great. But…I could’ve used a little more anus. So…could you go back and tweak it a little, whip me up another batch with a few more?
Chocolatier 1: Uh…well…the butt was kind of just a joke Willy, but…sure thing.
Several rounds of tasting later. Wonka is fired up and maniacal.
Willy Wonka: More anus! I gotta have more anus, baby!
Chocolatier 2: Willy, uh, I don’t know. I mean, do you not think maybe a hunk of chocolate shaped like a butthole would maybe make people not want to eat it?
Willy Wonka: Actually, guys, guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription is…more anus!
Edible Anus artisan, preservative-free Belgian chocolates are handmade in the UK. The company claims its brown star mold comes from a sphincter model whose trunk is as fine as the chocolates themselves. They believe their anus range of confections can “dissolve cultural boundaries of race, gender, class, and sexual orientation.” Well. They can certainly dissolve cultural boundaries of not licking an asshole in public.