Merry Christmas to all! Especially my friend Cornelius, who is sulky this year on account of his girlfriend having dumped him at Thanksgiving! This breakup was, of course, the best Xmas gift I myself could have received, and as a cheer-up gift to Cornelius for having his ass handed to him in the game of love, I got him a new girlfriend! In pillow form! She’ll never dump him again!
For everyone else, I have a very special gift. Nothing! The Gift of Nothing! Ahhh, it’s still funny after all these years. When I was a young and greedy child and my parents gave me the gift of nothing, it came in a fancy, slim rectangular box. I had to lift the lid to find Nothing inside. Nothing, plus a document describing Nothing in detail, delineating its complete lack of uses, yet heralding it as the only thing left to get for someone who has everything.
Today’s version of Nothing arrives as an empty globe, a marriage of cardboard and plastic that symbolizes everything we find contemptible about contemporary packaging. So that’s something. And in this case, there is no need to wrestle with the unwieldy exterior to access the gift inside. Because Nothing is inside! And Nothing needs no unwrapping, no assembly, no charging, no…nothing! Nothing needs nothing. Except maybe a special place on your shelf to commemorate its nothingness.